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echo_tree
Mar. 11th, 2007
06:56 am - Valley of Death
Someone told me recently that the town I now live in, situated between mountains and a lake, was called The Vally of Death by the natives who, sadly, no longer live here. Valley of Death, not because it is a dangerous place, but because when people come here, broken by something in their pasts, that part of them usually dies and they are able to make a new start to their lives. I'm beginning to believe it's true.
I have been living in north Idaho for almost 6 weeks now, and even though all my friends back in Kentucky made fun of me for moving in January, it has actually been warmer here than in the midwest. Ha! Sure, it's dumped a few feet of snow more than once since I've been here, BUT the snow has also completely melted more than once. 85% of the time it is dreary grey, but the other 15% is absolutely beautiful and sunny with the perfect amount of big puffy white clouds in the sky. Either way, though, I can see the mountains wherever I am...and THAT is amazing to me.
I live in a town of about 7,000 people...quite a difference from ANYWHERE I have ever lived...but I like it. I work in a pie shop of all places and I'm loving every day of it. It's my first time waiting tables, but I'm also learning how to make some pretty delicious pies...what more could I want out of life?
My creativity has returned with a vengeance since moving here. I have started making journals again and dying scarves...hopefully I'll be able to sell them around here...it's a pretty artsy place, kinda touristy too, so I should be able to sell SOMETHING. I have also begun work on a graphic novel...we'll see if it a)gets finished at all or b)turns out anything like what I see in my head.
Home life is more stable than it's been in years...possibly ever. My roommate is the sweetest boy I have ever known...good & kind & conflicted & utterly human...not trying to be anything that he's not...and not trying to turn me into something I'M not. He's a writer, even...detective stories...a genre I've never even approached, in reading or writing...but I appreciate the difference in our styles, and am learning a lot. It is so very nice to live with someone who understands what it means to attempt being a writer...the solitary nature of it as well as the need to talk about what you're working on. He is a good friend who has been sooo good to me...2 months rent-free so far. And he's not made of money, either...3 days a week waiting tables at a wine bar and the other 4 days taking classes at the police reserves academy (unpaid)...got sworn in tonight, actually...brought a uniform home and everything. A little strange to my overly liberal mind, to be living with a cop...but I have faith in his motivation...just wants to do some good in the world and figures this is the best way he can do it.
And I can't forget about The Best Dog Ever...seriously....this dog is so freakin' sweet to me....probably because I'm the one home to feed him now, but whatever. It's good to have a dog.
All I need now is a cat.
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creativeJan. 29th, 2007
10:29 pm - the end of an era....or....some thoughts upon exiting hell
So here I am....the night before I leave Kentucky....I can't really think of anything to say.
I'm so happy to leave....but a little sad, I guess, to be saying goodbye....
It doesn't help, I'm sure, that I have a cold and really just want to go to bed....yup....I'm going to bed.
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exhaustedDec. 14th, 2006
06:49 pm - Top 10 Things I Am Happy About (in no particular order)
1. I found someone to sublease my apartment.
2. I get to keep the almost $800 in change I had saved in case I couldn't find someone to sublease my apartment.
3. I have a friend who has offered to let me stay with him rent free after I move 2,000 miles away from everything I know.
4. I will not be a barista forever.
5. My books-to-useless-crap ratio is at least 8 to 1.
6. I found a cheap plane ticket out of Kentucky and am leaving in 47 days.
7. Soon, I will be able to spend entire days just staring at the mountains.
8. I am the black sheep of my family.
9. I will be 30 in less than 5 months.
10. I am getting my nose pierced tomorrow.
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curiousNov. 11th, 2006
11:00 am - Knitting Fool (or just a fool)
So....2 nights after my last entry the apartment next to mine caught on fire....I was woken up at about 2 am by the smoke detectors in the hallway....then mine started going off....strange thing to be woken up that way...found myself standing outside in my nightgown watching 15 ft flames come out of my building...it was a long night that involved meeting new people, going through my underwear drawer while 2 firefighters stood over me with flashlights, hanging out in a stranger's purple room with a single bed that had 90210 sheets, and a fruitless search for beer at 4:30 in the morning...one of my friends called his mom and she brought us vodka and whiskey...then I went to work...it was fantastic....the owner of the building decided to not bring it up to code, so 2 weeks after this event I found myself in a new apartment....which I hate.
All of this prompted my decision to move 2000 miles away to Idaho...I'd been pondering this move since May, but I took this whole fire thing as a sign that it was time for me to leave Kentucky. So...I've been sorting through my crap and shipping books to Idaho and waiting for the end of January so I can finally leave this godforsaken state.
I learned how to knit a few weeks ago....it's been very helpful to my sanity....and going to yarn stores has taken be back to my childhood when my mother owned a needlework store...it's been interesting....and I've already knitted 3 scarves...very exciting....except now I have even more crafty crap to haul across the country....as if book-making and silk-dying supplies weren't enough....I did decide to leave my sewing machine here when I move, though....it's old and kind of crappy anyway, so there's no real love lost there.
All in all, things are pretty calm for me....I've even been sleeping better at night....funny thing is, the end to my restless nights coincides with the shipping of my first box of books.
My ceiling leaks when it rains...I was assured that it would be fixed soon, but I'm not holding my breath on that....at least they came and fixed my heater....that was getting to be unbearable.
So...here's to hoping I make it through the next few months without cracking.
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okayJul. 30th, 2006
01:48 pm - Hazy Humidity
I washed my laundry in the sink yesterday and as a reward I allowed myself the luxury of building a blanket fort over my bed....I spent hours in there...reading...writing...eating chocolate covered pretzels...it was fabulous....I felt very safe and productive.
Right now I'm trying to remember what I wanted to look up at the library...I forgot to write it down...I'll think of it as soon as I'm about halfway home...
It's really hot and humid today and I probably should have stayed in my apartment, but I figured some fresh air would be good for me.
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gigglyJun. 26th, 2006
03:49 pm - sleepy me
The insomnia monsters kept me up last night by whispering in my ear, "What if you die in your sleep....how long do you think it would take before someone missed you enough to come check on you?"
Living by myself has its ups and downs...last night was really down.
sigh.
Thank god for chamomile tea and a long hot bath.
sleepyJun. 3rd, 2006
04:20 pm - crap to the nth degree.
I began moving in to my new place a few days ago....have actually spent the past 2 nights there. I am so sick of all my stuff, but I still can't bring myself to get rid of old writing and artwork...and the sorting/packing process is entirely too tedious for me to focus on right now...so I'm going to take a break this afternoon.
It has been very nice being in my own space again.
I'm too poor to buy food, though.
sigh.
drainedMay. 28th, 2006
01:49 pm - Summer is here again...and it's humid.
A week of thunderstorms has made it almost unbearably humid here in Kentucky...as usual this time of year...and being hot and sticky has never felt so good. Sweating out all the toxins is such a refreshing experience...except I'm being a little counter productive by drinking beer and smoking the occasional cigarette...such is life, I guess...it's all about balance.
Feeling pretty grown up this week...I filled out the paper work for insurance and thanked the universe that I work for someone who actually values her employees enough to provide FREE health care for them. Viva la barista!
Emotionally I'm a little detached right now...very excited, though, about moving into my new place this week but also very sad to be leaving the house I'm in right now. I sat out back in the garden for a few hours yesterday and tried to put into words the exact smell it has in the summer and the way it sounds in the early morning....I couldn't do it....words don't fit and it turns into a memory while I'm still sitting there. It is a magical garden, a place where dreams are created....I thought for awhile that dreams would be completed there, but that was all wishful thinking...or make believe....maybe it WAS the dream.....maybe that garden doesn't really exist and after I move out and go back to visit one day, it will be gone. Or maybe it's just a matter of perspective, somehow, and I'll find a different magic garden where I'm going.
I'm tired of all my stuff and I'm sick of going through it for the sake of packing.
okayMay. 21st, 2006
02:26 pm - waiting for some cosmic shift
For the first time in my illustrious 29 years on this planet, I woke up and decided that I wanted to go to church....so I went. Unfortunately, American Protestantism is one of the least spiritual institutions that has ever been created my man. I had a much more profound experience AFTER church, sitting in the 24-hour diner across from the campus bookstore, eating my caramel milkshake and reading the 60-year old autobiography of Thomas Merton. I can't decide if Merton or the milkshake had the more profound effect on me. (mmmmm....caramel and ice cream.....mmmmmm)
I am definitely searching for something and I have this sneaking suspicion that it lies within me and no matter how many different places of worship I investigate, I'm probably better off sitting at home in my room making collages and books and writing nonsense in my journal...or just staring off into space....that seems to be a particularly productive form of prayer/meditition for me.
I recently signed a lease on a VERY small efficiency apartment downtown....hopefully having my own space again will aid me on my quest to become a relatively sane, stable person. Right now I'm in the middle of separating myself from the last of my useless crap. I've done a pretty good job the past few years of letting go of stuff, but I have NO room in my new place for anything other than what is absolutely necessary...of course necessary is such a subjective word....I can justify how the box of scrap paper might be used in a collage some day....of course, I can also justify why burning all of my undergrad art projects is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.
I wish I had the balls to just burn it all. Maybe I'll paper mache a pair for myself.
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contemplativeApr. 14th, 2006
04:05 pm - spiffy.
One day last week as I was walking to work at 6:30 in the morning, I looked up and saw a shooting star. I couldn't think of a wish, so I've been carrying it around in my pocket and finally gave it to a friend today who needed it more than I did.
Then on Monday I found my first 4-leaf clover in 15 years....and yesterday I found 2 more....again, I gave them to people I care about.
What good is luck if we hog it for ourselves? It's like a quote I read once about love....the more you give away, the more you get in return.
mischievousApr. 2nd, 2006
02:22 pm - the word of the year is PATIENCE...
The past few weeks have found me hanging out with a friend who is refreshingly free of smoke & mirrors and dazzling magic tricks...no illusions or promise-making....no fantastic dreams for me to buy into....just a boy....which lets me be just a girl....somehow the other night, beer and poetry and general silliness led to a first kiss....and a second...and a third...
"Should we label what we're doing?" he asked the next day.
"No," I said. "I don't think that's necessary."
"I like spending time with you, but I don't want a commitment," he replied.
"Good," I said. "Neither do I." And I don't.
Some people might say that it was a typical guy thing for him to say...but, at that moment, having him be honest with me seemed like more of a commitment to my integrity as a person than anything anyone else has ever said to me in the context of a relationship.
It's nice not having to label it. It's nice letting a kiss be a kiss and enjoying the moment for what it is....not for what it might be. It's nice sleeping next to someone and simply letting it feel good instead of obsessing, "is he the one....is this forever?"
There is no forever.
There is only right now.
But right now is infinite.
And there's the paradox.
gigglyMar. 25th, 2006
11:35 am - out of my element....
Right now I'm doing a favor for a friend and being an "Event Supervisor" at a middle & high school "Science Olympiad"....it is very surreal....i'm "judging" the meteorology event....I don't know anything about meteorology....the only science qualification I have is winning my 6th grade science fair....I'm sure that knowing hot water freezes faster than cold has SOMETHING to do with meteorology....
On a more philosophical note.....I've been thinking lately about how the universe tends to give me things only when I finally get to the point where I really believe I don't want them anymore.....it's very strange.
Oh crap....one of the groups is done with their meteorology questions....they used 15 of the allotted 50 minutes.....I better go grade it.
sigh.
Mar. 5th, 2006
04:09 pm - Is it possible....
....to both want something and not want it at the same time?
Even more intriguing to me, though.....is it possible to do neither?
Is that what meditation brings us closer to?
"The thought of no thought"
I need to breathe more.
I need to not drink so much coffee all the time....every once in a while is okay, but two or three cappuccinos a day is making my mind go into hyper-drive.....and not in a good productive way. Being super awake makes me think too much about things I've already decided I don't need to think about anymore....and now I'm being counter productive and sabotaging any emotional progress I've made in the past few weeks.
sigh.
I found a cool denim jacket in the lost and found at work last night and I dyed red streaks in my hair today....
drainedFeb. 26th, 2006
01:00 pm - Coffee = Happy
After 5 months of unemployment, I finally found a job. I knew I'd get the one at the coffee shop simply because my New Year's Resolution was to give up coffee.
Current life issue:
I recently made the discovery of the difference between "want" and "need", but am now struggling with how to break myself from an apparent addiction to need. How do I stay true to myself and what I want (physically, mentally, & emotionally), while accepting that I don't NEED anything from anyone to be happy? How do I approach the idea of "I love this person without needing him to love me back" while still acknowledging that I WANT him to love me back? How do I express my frustration with a situation while still communicating to the friends involved that this frustration has nothing to do with them personally? How do I find that balance? Is it as simple as accepting that the answer will come to me when needed, or is it something that requires lots of effort and deep searching? Or is it both?
The Tai Chi Classics talk about the idea of balance....if one moves up, the other moves down....if one moves out, the other moves in. I have an idea of how to do that in the physical world....but I'm not sure how to do that with my emotions. How do I feel two distinctly different things at the same time?
creativeDec. 8th, 2005
12:10 pm - victory.
i have successfully done something on the computer that did not cause the person sitting next to me to laugh with pity...i feel the need to write a poem...
using computers
should be
cake
even with
Useless Masters Degree
tired
cold
hungry
time to find
food
fleece blanket
and sleep
-sigh-